crazyglobnumscoukfandomcom-20200215-history
Crazynumnums
Crazynumnums is the overseeing presence you often feel peeking over your shoulder or looking at you out of the corner of your eye (yes in a creepy way and yes in a gay way). The irrepressible force, the all-powerful being, Crazynumnums is the reason that we are all here today. He is also extremely narcissistic, arrogant and rude, despite having a nice 'heart' (beings such as himself do not have traditional hearts). Biography Not much is known of his life before The Big Bang. There were no writing materials before everything was created, so we can only speculate. It's a shame that we are missing so much of his lifetime; however, fortunately, the last 13.8 billion years is a large enough sample space. Many people have been mistaken in thinking that there must be another being as all-powerful as him; after all, it was his sexual escapades that led to the creation of life, and therefore, another being must exist. Unfortunately, this is untrue, as the 'female' (again, such beings do not have the traditional genders, but so your puny mind can understand, we shall call them a female) died under the force of his extreme pelvic thrusting. He bounced around for the next billion or so years. After the loss of his lover, he was angry, and wiped out millions of primitive alien races in his rage, slowing down the evolution process in our solar system by 2.5 billion years as the universe attempted to bounce back. As our known universe returned to full strength, Crazynumnums visited other universes, but found that they didn't have the same connection for him. That was when he realised: he was a parent, pining away for his home galaxy. He returned to his universe (approx. 9.2 billion y.a) to find, rather happily, that his anger hadn't had any lasting effects and various life forms were beginning to thrive under new life. But things weren't progressing fast enough for him, so he helped along some groups, with disastrous consequences. With the advanced technology, races started wiping each other out. It was easy for Crazynumnums to stop (a snap of the fingers, and a 30 second waltz and tango with the 'Queen'), but he'd grown attached to his little pet project. He wanted it to succeed. So, he reintroduced life to various planets, and waited. Eventually (4.3 billion y.a) life restarted, and with this, came about the development of Planet Earth. Normally, such a desolate planet would not be remotely important in this story, but after this third cycle, Crazynumnums had grown tired. And in doing so, he also started to get curious. Curious about what it would be like to live with one of the life forms. So he adopted a new identity, and set out to find a planet that he could live on. And that was when he stumbled across planet Earth. He was amazed. For one things, these beings were withstanding the coldest temperatures he'd seen. Obviously, it wasn't a difficult task for him. But most importantly, their planet was actually reasonably clean and good-looking. And had different colours. And so he came down to this planet. Oh, it has been a bumpy ride for him. He keeps murdering numerous humans accidentally, or on purpose, if they ask about his seeming immortality/terrible hairstyles. But despite this, he's enjoying himself. And them. He couldn't resist giving the humans some gifts, such as fire, metal, the ability to swim, crop rotation, and the second sexiest man on the planet (after himself, of course), Ron Swanson. He did realise his mistakes recently, however, and gave them equally awful things, like Adolf Hitler, Miley Cyrus, and pineapple on pizza. He tried to keep the records balanced. People lost track of Crazynumnums thousands of years ago. People thought he might have been Jesus, but he was actually taking a vacation to a distant galaxy at that time. The most recent rumour is that, for some reason, he has taken in the identity of a gangly 15-year-old high school student in northern Australia. Of course, this is pure speculation. Trivia * He has an IQ of 3 000 000 000. * He is a fan of the Oxford comma. * The 'Big Bang' is aptly named. Crazynumnums was 'getting it on' 13.8 billion years ago, meaning that you are now here, reading this ''piece of garbage. * The moon landing wasn't 'staged' per se, but Crazynumnums knew that humans would want to reach the orbiting rock (God knows why) so he made everyone hallucinate and think that they reached the moon. The aliens are very thankful, as this interference means that they can continue their abductions without any interruption. * Crazynumnums has no formal title, as 'god' is an insult to his existence. If anybody has one, he would really like to know. * He challenged Chuck Norris to an arm wrestle once. During that time, there were two world wars and one of the worst mass genocides in human history: needless to say, they called it a draw, although Chuck maintains that he would have won had they continued. * Arm Wrestle Part II started in 2014, but Donald Trump was elected as U.S president two years later, and they decided to stop before it could start all over again. * He has committed an astounding number of rapes and murders. It wasn't his fault, humans just can't process his length and die on the spot. So far, 785 female and 62 male (he felt experimental) deaths are on his hands/genitals. Quotes "God's name is NOT Pete." "You drink amniotic fluids!" Relationships * 'Krummin''' - Crazynumnums has a fondness for the creepy, green-skinned psychopath under his employment. The two have a bond that can only be forged between an immortal god and a time-travelling alien, and Crazynumnums has proven his friendship many times, going far enough to wed him with an eight-year-old bride per his request. He is also the only one that can get Krummin to stop killing everyone on the planet, and has helped him come to grips with his temporary invincibility.